I
don’t know what to say. Normally I can think straight enough to put my words in
poetic form, but at this point I have too much to say, and I’m lucky to even be
able to put it in words. So where do I begin? I’ll start with a confession: I
am in love. I hear people tell me that love hurts, and it’s so true. But, see,
normally in those situations it’s a two-player game, but this time it’s just
me. I care about him and he knows it. It doesn’t matter to him though, and that’s
what hurts more than anything. He has a pattern…It’ll be me and him at the
beginning of the summer; then around October – Novemberish he finds somebody else to be with, but he always comes back
because he knows that I will be here with my heart and arms wide open. It’s all
pointless because I’m trying to hold on to something that isn’t there. I try
not to be driven by my emotions because I always end up in the same spot, torn
apart, in a corner crying.
It
makes everything scary. My biggest fear is getting my heart broken, being
betrayed by the one person you give everything to because apparently it wasn’t
enough to keep them satisfied. Maybe it’s a sign from God telling me that
relationships can wait; there’s no rush, but I already know that.
I
am scared of emotions. They make you vulnerable. They hurt. They expose you,
leaving you naked and cold for the world to see how feeble you really are. I
would love to be completely open about the way I feel without doubting their
intentions. I have best friends, but not close friends because there is such a
thing as betrayal, and who worse to let you down than the ones closest to you?
That’s why my biggest fear has become a reality; I have let him in, and he has
seen my passions. I opened myself up like a book and he read every word but has
yet to understand the contents written on the pages. It’s almost as if I’m
unwritten; so now I only have a front and back cover to show but nothing in the
middle to share with anyone else.
I
am an open sore. When I am in the process of scabbing over he comes and peels
it away.
I
know it’s hard for some people to believe that Ana Hagins would cry over a boy,
but what can I say? I’m human. I’ve had my mentor and wise counsel tell me to
let him go, and I try so hard, but there’s something about Bru…
I
mean…there’s something about him that I can’t get over; it’s so frustrating
because I don’t know what it is.
oh my goodness this is Good! i wish this wernt a school website because there are way more things that i wish i could say. I dnt knw what led me to your words but im soo glad it did. N I knw EXACTLY how you feel Ana.
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